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I TOOK A DOLLAR FROM AN IMPOVERISHED HOMELESS WOMAN: RISK ACCEPTING HELP

5/15/2014

11 Comments

 
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In an earlier post, I proposed a radical shift in philanthropy in which a class-privileged person like me enters new interactions with the belief that someone with scant financial resources has just as much power to help me as I have power to help them. 

On May 8-11, 2014, I participated in my first street retreat in NYC. We spent three days living, sleeping, and eating on the street. I was able to try out this new way of interacting with people across the class divide. 

There are a thousand stories worth telling about the retreat, but I'll focus on one. 

Jamila

The first night, during services at the Bowery Mission, a brown-skinned woman wearing a hijab ran up to our retreat leader and screamed with joy, hugging him tightly. This was my introduction to Jamila (name changed). Jamila is 42 years old, and spent 20 years living on the street. She spent some time addicted to crack, which has permanently affected the way she looks. Today, Jamila is sober and lives in a shelter. She has converted to Islam and credits her religion as one of the reasons she is living a more stable and happy life today. She had interacted with people during the previous year's street retreat and this year decided to join us, staying for all three days. 

Time for me to confess. Before this retreat, I would have avoided contact with someone like Jamila because she has an unpredictable and powerfully energetic vibe about her. I would be afraid that eye contact might start some sort of screaming session or worse. But here she was, with that same energy, hugging us, loving us, and loudly declaring how glad she was to be with us in the streets. 

A Dollar For Your Humanity

On Friday afternoon, in Tompkins Square Park, I wanted to call my family, Erika and Estella. However, as per the rules of the street retreat, I didn't have my phone. As our group stood there in the May sunlight, I asked if anyone knew where the nearest pay phone was. Jamila sprang up and ordered me to follow her. 

As we walked, I realized that I had no money (another item we weren't allowed to bring with us). Without hesitation, Jamila reached into her pocket and handed me four quarters, which would get me six minutes of talking time. I thanked her and we arrived at the pay phone. She sat nearby as I called and talked to my family. 

Only later did I realize what had happened. Me, a person with class privilege and a materially-comfortable life, had been offered money from a single woman who is living in a shelter, has no reliable source of income, and is an ex-crack addict. 

And I had accepted the dollar with real gratitude and no hesitation. 

In the past, I would have thought (and maybe even said), "Jamila, I can't accept this. You struggle just to stay above water while I live an easy life. I can't accept this dollar...you need it way more than I do!"

But I had spent time with Jamila, and I had seen the look of pride on her face as she led us through the streets, shouting out to her friends that we passed along the way, finding scaffolding to sleep under, teaching me how to use bubble wrap as padding for my "bed," and doing a hundred other things to help ease our rough (if temporary) transition to the streets. 

I was experiencing a re-learning of a timeless lesson: people just want to do something good. By offering me a dollar to call my family, Jamila was helping me to do something important. I really needed that dollar in that moment! 

If I were to refuse an offer of help from Jamila, I would be doing it with the intention of not taking resources from someone who doesn't have much money in the first place. But what I would really be doing is denying Jamila's humanity--her desire to do something good for me. I would be grabbing for all of the helping power in our friendship, and I'd be refusing to recognize Jamila's inherent value as a representative of humanity.

Jamila's humanity is worth more than the dollar she gave me...no matter what money situation she's in. And I know that no matter what material wealth I might attain, I will always need help from people around me. It's up to me to practice radical philanthropy: risking allowing others to help me, regardless of our life situations. 

11 Comments
Noelle
5/15/2014 02:23:12 pm

Abe, it is interesting reading your post! I am curious about what Jamila thinks of your post, has she read it and given you her feedback? Or did you discuss the meaning of the transaction with her in person? I wonder what went through her mind when giving you the dollar. Sounds like an eye opening trip.

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Abraham Lateiner
5/17/2014 02:35:17 pm

Noelle, great questions...since I didn't see the significance of the event while it was happening, I didn't get to find out her perspective on this event. You bring up a good point, and so I just edited the post to remove any attempt by me to infer Jamila's thoughts or feelings about it.

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Anna
5/15/2014 08:15:21 pm

Reminds me of traveling to the poorest of poor villages in rural Mali and being offered gift upon gift: pounds and pounds of peanuts, instant coffee sweetened with inordinate amounts of canned condensed milk, or pricey coca-cola from reused glass bottles. We were advised not to refuse gifts, no matter our taste preference, but never delved into the "why." Denying humanity is food for thought...

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Abraham Lateiner
5/17/2014 02:36:22 pm

Anna (not sure which Anna this is...), I'm sure culture plays a role in it. I wonder if the joy of being helpful to another is something that cuts across all cultures?

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Anna W
5/31/2014 06:17:54 am

tangent: an interesting study in there... comparison of gift giving traditions (and evolution of) across different regions/countries.

K. E.
5/16/2014 12:56:19 am

My first thought was: $1.00 got you only six minutes?! Once over the shock, I was able to wonder at your honesty and absorb your conclusion.

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Emily G.
5/16/2014 03:32:40 am

I really appreciate your post. Not only am I reminded of memories of Jamila, but by revealing your thoughts on this specific experience and the background posts on risking something, my cut into an important lesson in humanity and gratitude seems deepened. Thank you so much for that. To answer a primary question of your blog: no, I often hide my socioeconomic background so as to not receive special treatment and to be allowed to struggle. In the upper west side, I asked for change from a well-dressed, elderly white gentleman and received an angry response of “are you kidding me?” I thought my class was hidden more than ever in that moment, yet his response implied that he could see right through my disguise. I judged him for treating me differently than what I was pretending to be. The irony!

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Abraham Lateiner
5/17/2014 02:38:01 pm

Emily, that observation about your experience begging is fascinating. To feel judged for not being treated as we are pretending to be!!!! I'm sure I've felt that too...I bet that's when I get most defensive, when someone has seen through the various disguises I sometimes put on in order to appear to be one thing or another!

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Lisa Marie
5/18/2014 02:54:42 am

I don't know what this means to you all but when I was actually homeless at one point I had to try a shelter because no one was giving me a place to stay. When I was at the shelter there was only one other young white person like myself. All I had was the clothes on my back because a person had kicked me out of a place I was staying and my bags were still in the room. The other person had an iphone. But we were all given numbers and told to wait for the drawing. Some ladies seemed to be regulars and were just having social time. I was of course totally devastated at being in a shelter for the first time in my life and not knowing if I had to sleep outside. No one literally said to me "ARE YOU KIDDING?!?" but the point was palpable in my mind. I felt at the same time, hopeless (I did not win the lottery to get in the shelter) and also selfish that I a totally sober white person with a bachelors degree was buying a ticket to lower the odds for these women to get in this nice shelter. There are plenty of young people that go through this all the time. They stay healthy and fashionable and they manage to couch surf and so they fall through the cracks of this system. They often blend in and find ways to stay clean. You have to if you want to get a job. But yet if they were to ask for change, people would say, "Are you kidding me!? How can you be homeless when you look totally healthy??"

Rachel link
5/16/2014 11:33:53 am

It's incredible how one has to learn to accept gifts and kindness for what they are without getting bogged down by the baggage and complexities we attach to them. Accepting gifts and just saying "Thank you" is something I have had to learn to do living in Nicaragua. Related, another incredible life lesson from here has been the power of asking for help - giving someone else the opportunity of helping you can be so transformative. It wasn't just your acceptance of her offer that is a powerful interaction; when you asked her to help you find a pay phone you are validating and giving credit to her street knowledge; which many people probably disregard or even discredit.

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Abraham Lateiner
5/17/2014 02:40:25 pm

Rachel, exactly...I find myself downplaying knowledge or wisdom that doesn't usually fit into my life experiences all the time. This was a situation where my culture shock was so complete that I had no choice in the matter! Reinforces my belief that everyone should be required to leave home at least once...see the world outside what we already know, whether it's across the world or just on a different social level of our own cities.

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    Abe Lateiner

    If real change requires people to take risks, what would it mean for a straight, White, cisgender male, tall, thin, able-bodied, English-speaking US citizen with class privilege to take risks?

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